This is only a test

One of the random presents I got for Christmas this year (yes, I celebrate Christmas even though I'm an atheist...I can do whatever I damn well want) was a journal that had been given to my grandmother that she gave to me. She included a little note that said something along the lines of "I received this as a gift and never used it, and hope you will get better use. You should write at least a sentence a day, because when you're my age you won't remember what happened in your life." It's kind of sad to think I won't remember my own life, but I know it's true because it's already hard enough to remember my childhood! Maybe I'll be better on paper than I am in the blogosphere.

I need to trim my nails...typing is driving me nuts!

Procrastination Station

So...I should be studying for a Case Studies quiz, but EH. I survived our first round of exams with flying colors (85% in Path, 93% in Micro, and 94% in Parasit, wonder of wonders!!!) so I'm taking a mental vacation. There is no way I'm going to manage to keep grades like that up, but it was a fantastic start to the semester. :)

I do need to get back into the routine, though...starting tomorrow. I'll study Friday afternoon, too, because that evening is Cash Bash sponsored by Intervet. Pretty much, we get to show up for free and significant others are $5, and we get free food and drinks all night with money given away throughout. It will be totally sweet (especially if I win some money!).

J's big audition is this coming Tuesday and I feel bad that I can't skip out on school to be there for support, but I just can't do it. I'd miss a Parasit quiz and a speaker about small animal ethics, which I *really* want to hear. I'll be there in spirit though. If nothing else hopefully we can at least grab some dinner on her way back to Decorah.

That's all for now; my life is really that boring.

Powerpoint Power Trip

We have a new lecturer for Path. A while ago on Facebook I posted a video of a guy talking about all the things you shouldn't do in Powerpoint lectures. This guy is pretty much doing all of them. Tons of info on the slides, rushing through things (to the point of skipping entire slides), assuming we know things we haven't learned yet. He also doesn't answer questions, saying things like "We'll get to that later" rather than explain something. K emailed him after class Monday asking him to slow down and answer questions, and at the beginning of lecture today he said he would do these things and then proceeded to lecture the exact same way. Plus, I just cannot stand the organization of the lectures. Our two previous teachers would start a section with basic information, move onto pathologic lesions you see, and then end with specific disease processes be species. In other words, they were ordered in a common sense manner. This guy jumped right into specific diseases and hasn't looked back.

So, I've been sitting here playing Scrabble and browsing. I don't think I'll be going anymore...maybe I can read the book when I'm supposed to be in lecture. I think I'd get more out of that.

Viva la revolucion!

Suddenly I See

You know, I've never understood the obsession with Matthew Mcconaughey, but, well...damn. Dude's got a body.


On that lust-filled note, it's time to spend the afternoon trying to understand Path.

Staying awake to chase a dream

Here is my song of the day. It's from one of Muse's older albums. Sorry if you don't have iTunes or a converter; you probably won't be able to listen.

I've got a wonderful afternoon free to study (and will have tomorrow as well) so of course I've got to screw around and waste time for a while!

Here's a pic of Loki (Mr. Loki Pants...don't ask) playing in my backpack:



He's getting so big! It will be interesting to see who's dominant when he's all grown up, because right now Sebastian is definitely head honcho but it may only be because of his larger size.

I looked up the word "abattoir" this morning. Only Americans can take something that should be a pretty sounding "aba-twa" (close enough, and rather ironically pretty since it means slaughterhouse) and turn it into "aba-twar". I hate how Americans pronounce things. Here's another fun French phrase for you: joie de vivre. Such a beautiful language. I really like that you can listen to pronunciations at Merriam-Webster.

The VM1s had their first Anatomy exam today. They were all freaking out, much as I recall freaking out a year ago. I didn't have the heart to tell them they will look back on first semester Anatomy with fondness. They will discover this in due time.

I suppose I've killed enough time. I need to learn the Rhabditids for Parasit. *sigh*

What I've Learned

I just sat through a lecture explaining how to handle these:

Pretty much if it's an adult high on the limb they're going to die. This just reinforces my opinion that horses are a giant pain in the ass. I would much rather have spent my time thinking about this:

Haha, just kidding KP. (Although really, you know I'm not...)

I've also discovered that our Path teacher:

COMPLETELY reminds me of Beverley Leslie from Will & Grace (aside from the fact that he's married and presumably not gay):
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=W6FKAw7Xdow (Sorry, too dumb to figure out how to embed...)

And this is the sum total of my morning. I have been doing a really horrible job with keeping up with studying. Our first exams are next week: Path Monday and Parasit Tuesday, and I'm now starting to freak out. I'd say it's probably time to get caught up on Path reading...

I don't know why I'm having so much trouble getting kick-started this semester. I can't even count the number of nights I've done nothing for school...bad student, very bad. I'd just rather watch TV or read for fun than do all the school stuff. I'm beginning to think part of it may be an overwhelming fear because I know this semester is the most difficult one and I already had enough trouble last time. Putting things off isn't going to help, though! Tonight, I shall read a chapter of Path.

On a final side note, I adore the smell of fall. I took Kaya for a walk yesterday evening, and I caught the first hints of autumn in the air. It brought to mind fallen leaves and pumpkin patches. I know a lot of people experience depression with the changing seasons, but fall is always very uplifting for me.

Hello Mudda, Hello Fadda

My family just stopped through on their way to help J move back into school. I don't know why, but I still feel the need to perform and gain approval from my parents. It's not as if they care either way, it's a personal problem of mine. It's very draining. They met our new kitty, and Mom wasn't pleased because we're breaking our lease with too many animals. I said I couldn't let him get killed at the shelter and had to save him and she said I'm hopeless. It's true. J thought he was the cutest thing she'd ever seen. They also brought a book back that I forgot at home. It was kind of embarrassing because lately I've been into a lot of paranormal books, so I got crap about that. I'm sorry I like reading about vampires...since I'm not in band anymore and can't exactly play trombone in my apartment I need something that is a huge mental break from science. Paranormal books provide that. I think I need to work on developing a more confident sense of self. It would clear up a lot of my issues.

Ho Hum

I won't give anything away, but I would like to say the latest HP installment was a bit lackluster. I suppose that's what happens when you try to cram over 800 pages into 2 hours. 87777777777777777777777...sorry, that was Sebastian saying hello. Anyway, the result of all this is a movie that leaves holes readers can fill in while leaving people like KP in the dark. It definitely didn't come across as a seamless storyline. Umbridge is sufficiently putrid, though, I'll give them that.

I'm expecting much better from the final book, and I don't think I will be disappointed.

Sebastian is home!!!

I haven't been this happy for a long time. When I picked him up, it was actually my kitty that I was taking home! Before, he was so lethargic it was like a different cat, but his personality is back! I let him out of the carrier in the car on the way home and he spent most of the trip in my lap meowing happily at me.

When I got home, and Moggie saw him, she followed him around like she couldn't believe he was back. She definitely missed him.

He's been cleaning himself excessively--I think to get the hospital stink off of his fur.

I won't totally relax until we finish his meds in a couple of weeks and he's totally back to normal, but I'm feeling so much better now that he is.

Hospital Kitty

We took Sebastian back to the teaching hospital when I got back from Boone today. They have to keep him for a couple of days to give him fluids and see if he can start feeling better. They think this severe gastritis is due to the peroxide I was told to give him to get him to vomit and actually has nothing to do with the dime.

Let's just say I'm feeling really guilty and pissed at the clinic right about now. :(

Poor Kitty

Poor Sebastian. :( The throwing up does at least seem to have stopped, but he's just not eating. He's lethargic and depressed, too. He needs to start eating by tomorrow or we're going to have to do something about it.

I've decided there's no way Moggie swallowed the q-tip because we would have seen signs by now. Now my fear is that somehow they missed the q-tip during endoscopy and it's in there causing more damage. It's unlikely, but I apparently need something to worry about. If he would just start eating I'd feel a lot better.

Cat Update 08

So...they only found the dime, and no q-tip. We have meds to give Sebastian for 2 weeks to help his mucosa heal.

Now I'm hoping Moggie didn't somehow get ahold of it...

Mamas, don't let your kittens grow up to be q-tip eaters...

So with my summer job I'm always sweating to death by the time I get home early in the afternoon. I always let the cats out, shower, and then do data entry in the afternoon. Today, I dropped a q-tip after my shower and Sebastian pounced on it and started playing. I thought, "Well, I'll finish up in here and take it away from him." Not 30 seconds later I turned around and the q-tip was gone.

I searched every square inch of our floor and it was nowhere. So, I called our vet and they said try to make him throw it up with hydrogen peroxide. I thought it was highly unlikely that would work, given it would have to be perfectly angled into the esophagus to exit the stomach, but I tried 3 times and all he threw up was his breakfast. Bad. Called the clinic back again, and they said he needed radiographs, but they were too busy for him to get in today. Excuse me, but this is an emergency and you guys are too busy to squeeze him in?!

So I called our teaching hospital and took him him. They planned to do radiographs first, but plastic doesn't show up, so unless air was still in the tube they'd have to do endoscopy to find it if it was there and remove it. The estimate was about $600.

They called 15 minutes ago to tell me they couldn't find the q-tip...but they did find a dime! Luckily, it was sitting near the pylorus still in his stomach, so they think they can do endoscopy to remove both the dime and the q-tip (if it's in there), for probably the same price, and we can probably take him home today.

Apparently we need to be much more careful about what we leave lying around...who knows how much shit he's eaten and passed without us even knowing?

I'm just glad he's going to be ok...and now do to my data entry so I don't fall behind...

Die, Research, Die!

I hate my summer job. It is f***ing terrible. It's not anywhere near worth the chunk of money I'm getting to do it. I cannot wait to fill out evaluations at the end of the summer. This has made me hate research to the point that I want to ban all research. It might have actually been better if I was plopped in a lab somewhere than what I'm doing. Maybe I wouldn't want to stab my coordinator if that were the case.

Keep your dog on a leash!

I swear, the people in this neighborhood are the crappiest dog owners. The neighbors in the duplex across the parking lot have a huge (like, monstrously huge) 9 month old male pit bull named Max that really needs to be neutered (only for energy, not attitude). He's like a 90 pound exuberant teddy bear. It's hilarious to watch Kaya play with him because he's unintentionally rough when he swats her and she freaks and jumps like a spider! But anyway, they leave him out on a long lead for a large portion of the day. I go play with him because I feel so bad that he's out there by himself all the time.

The other stupid people live in our building and coincidentally are friends with the pit's owners, and they have this blue merle husky mix (that I used to think was freaky because of his husky eyes) who also is really nice and gets along with Kaya. Not only do they often leave him out on their patio on the first floor on a leash, they often just let him out and he hangs around the area. This morning when I got home from work he was taking a nap in the middle of the parking lot! He's going to end up getting hurt or killed if they keep letting him out like that. It's so irresponsible it makes me grind my teeth.

In other news, on the Today show this morning they unveiled the new "deluxe" Harry Potter book cover. Um, wtf?! What about those of us who pre-ordered months ago? I'm not going to buy the new one too! Bastards...

Hmm...movies I'm excited about. I like Knocked Up, didn't like Pirates, Shrek was ok. New movies coming out that I want to see are Transformers, Stardust (read the book by Neil Gaiman first!!), Eagle Vs. Shark, Evan Almighty (that might be a disappointment), Ratatouille, License to Wed (probably not that great, but I like Robin Williams), that's all I can think of right now.

Kyle and I have decided to pick up languages as a hobby. I chose to start with Spanish because it's my background (in hopes that it's an easier beginning) and Kyle picked German. We ordered the materials from an academic discount place (that Rosetta Stone stuff advertised on TV is like $400!!) for $70. The best part is whenever we feel like it we can switch! I'm excited for it to get here.

Oh what fun it is to write on a gorgeous summer's day

I get to spend the afternoon writing a mini-paper on FIP and reviewing an article...which I have to present to my "journal club" on Friday. I'm so excited.

Also, we met with some survey people this morning and found out that we should have had the required forms in like a month ago for Steph's survey to actually have enough time to do a good job. Kind of like how I should have had the IACUC form in a month ago. Not our fault though, because we're not in charge of this project and have no idea what needs to be done. Have I ever mentioned how much I love a lack of organization in my life? Makes me all warm and squishy inside.

Hallmark Commercial

Have you seen the Hallmark commercial with the singing card for Father's Day where the dad opens it and it starts playing "Can't Touch This" and then the dad imagines himself as MC Hammer in the music video? Hilarious! And now I have to go pick up Steph and drive to Boone.

Which witch is which?

My boss is going to be gone all week in Seattle for a conference. We're finally going to shelters this week to record their standard operating procedure since neither shelter has anything like that in writing. We're also meeting with survey people on main campus to talk about Steph's project. I'm really starting to feel the stress of this unorganized mess.

Weddings and Babies

I'm getting used to going in to work for a couple hours in the morning and coming home in time to watch Full House followed by Step by Step. It's not that I don't work when I'm home, but I do watch TV while I'm working. You don't need your full attention to search for various types of meters or work on your abstract.

My cousin's wedding this weekend was...interesting. She has once again broken the mold in the family so I'm free to follow. First she lived with a guy without being married, so I wasn't the first one to do so. Then she had a very unusual wedding, so I'm pretty much free to do what I want!

It was an outdoor wedding, but they didn't get chairs so almost everyone was standing. The guy that married them was pretty odd, talking about how hearing birds sing at 5 am makes him think of Courtney and Joe's love. Oh, and he said Courtney's parents were Diane and Michael, when my uncle's name is Dennis. And they did readings with only one of them from the Bible (something from Song of Solomon--that part about my lover). If my grandma could stomach that, I think KP and I will be a-ok whenever we decide to tie the knot.

The reception was my aunt's part of the wedding, so it was *very* expensive with an open bar (as in, including top of the line liquor). It was a really good thing KP and I didn't drive ourselves down because we both got pretty drunk. I was drinking vodka and cranberry juice, and after the third one the bartender would just make it for me when I walked up to him. :P The next morning we both felt fine and my mom said we should have felt like shit.

There were also so many babies in the family!! It's all the grandchildren of my mom's cousins, so cute! I would really like to start a family soon after I'm finished with school. KP and I have been playing with baby names, but I'm sure by the time it happens we won't remember the ones we talked about.

Blue-green lightning racing stripes

J came home from work around midnight, and she said when she was getting close to home on the interstate a car started tailing her really close, took the same exit she did, and was following her into the neighborhood. She was smart and rather than turning at our street she went around the long way, and they turned up our normal street. When she came around the long way and was coming down the street, that same car was sitting like four houses up from ours, and had turned around so it was also facing down the street. It was a white truck with a topper and blue-green lightning racing stripes but unfortunately in the heat of the moment she didn't think to look for plates.

So she drove past the truck, and went down to our house, pulled in the driveway and walked to the front door. As she was closing the door and locking it the truck drove by. She was freaked out and came in and talked to us (that's another story--for the first time ever, KP and I are sharing a room at my parents' house...a room with twin beds! :P). I said she should talk to our parents and they didn't seem concerned (but they were also sleeping), and she wanted to call the police. After we heard a truck drive by and KP peeked out the window and saw it was white, I agreed. She called to just file a report, and they ended up sending not one, but two squad cars over!

So mom and dad were still sleeping, and we had three cops in the entryway as J told them what happened. The guy that had arrived first listened to the story and told her since she didn't get plates there was nothing really they could do, so they left. And I started laughing hysterically. Ok, so there wasn't really anything funny. I must have been laughing from nerves.

Anyway, thinking back on it I'm actually kind of ticked at the officer's response. He saw J--a cute young woman--and said it was probably some guy who saw her driving and thought she was cute and wanted to meet her. If I had been thinking I would have said "In the middle of the night?!" but I was busy standing there quietly doing nothing. So she's going to be more observant driving, and KP had the good idea of her casually checking out the cars in the parking lot when she goes to work, because if she sees the same one there she'd be able to get the plates.

I know the police know what they're doing and this is probably an "isolated incident" but part of me wonders. Humans have all but lost the survival instincts we possessed when we first dotted the planet. But I think gut feelings are probably remnants of that. If your gut is telling you something's off, it probably is, and J felt like something was off. I also worry about my sister. As long as she pays a little closer attention to cars for a while I'll be able to breathe easier and I hope she will also.

Moggie the Moggie

Go to England if you don't get it. Not that I've been there, I just know the lingo. At least as far as animals are concerned. :P

We took Moggie into the clinic last week because she had a raw, inflamed spot on her chin. Amoxi cleared up the inflammation but yesterday I noticed she had these pustules deep under her skin. So now she's on Clavamox which will hopefully clear up the deeper infection. I swear, we should just open a line of credit at the clinic. It's a great clinic and I like all the doctors, but I can't wait until I can treat my own animals!

A friend from school is in Minnesota for the summer, and a friend of hers found a calico kitty that's going to have 6 kittens soon. It's her job to find homes for them, and guess who she contacted? She said if we wanted one she'd save the cutest and nicest one. We *really* don't need another pet, but I said if we get to the end of the summer and she just can't find homes for them all we might take one. I can't knowingly leave a kitty without a home. I love Kaya, but I now know that kitties are closer to my heart. It's an odd turn-around, because I always thought I liked dogs more. Maybe it's because all of the responsibility is now mine, and kitties are so much less demanding. Not that I want Pigwidgeon to die (because he'll probably be around a few more years), but if a space opens up, I'm filling it with a kitty. My guinea pig days will be over. I may not even get another dog once Kaya's gone (in like 10-15 years :P).

Finding out my cat preference opens another possible career door. Cat only hospitals are becoming more and more common, especially in bigger cities where more people own cats because more people are busy and in apartments. It's something to consider, and I don't think I'd mind a specialty anyway (feline internal medicine anyone?).

Summer Strangeness

This summer job is turning out to be so weird. Details that I would have assumed would be taken care of before it was even approved still need to be done. We have to go through IACUC (institutional animal care and use commitee) to get approval for the project, and that takes a month. So I can't even start my research until July. And the poster is due at the beginning of August. *screams and pulls hair* On the bright side I've been pretty much working from home doing some background research and reading lots of articles. It's boring, but it's nice not to be at school.

My cousin is getting married this weekend. She's a pretty hot artsy girl, and she's marrying a regular joe cowboy (whose name happens to be Joe!). He is really nice and they're obviously in love; it's just one of the stranger matches I've seen. Anyway, this wedding is taking place the same day as and an hour apart from the wedding of someone else in the family (like my mom's cousin's son or something, from Virginia, but he's marrying an Omaha girl--odd). So all the extended family from out east is flying in for that wedding in Omaha, but all the family here is going to my cousin's wedding in Lincoln. There's a big brouhaha about who's going to which wedding, because neither party was willing to even move the time so people could make it to both. My mom decided to have a party Friday night that everybody could come to so the whole family could get together (I think it's been like 10 years at least since we've seen the east coast family), and apparently that upset the mother of the bride in Lincoln because they aren't coming. People are so weird.

In other wedding-related news, I had such a nightmare last night. KP had told his mother that we were thinking about getting married (which we aren't, to my knowledge) and she took it upon herself to plan a wedding. Both of our families showed up and said they were so glad we were finally getting married and brought a dress and everything, and I totally freaked out but for some reason couldn't tell them I didn't want to have this wedding. The wedding was the next day, and I was in the dress (which was this really pretty turquoise color) when I finally just had to say I didn't want to do it. People were so disappointed and angry, and then K came to the rescue to drive me away. She ended up driving down the wrong side of the road toward traffic, and that's when I woke up. What on earth could this mean?!

West Coast Style

As it turns out, I am still terrible at keeping my blog updated. Go figure. Just wanted to make a quick post that I'll be in Seattle for a few days checking the city out, then I'll be home with my parents for a couple days since I haven't seen them since Christmas.

School is pretty much terrible right now and I'm really glad we get a little break. There is no redeeming quality to the semester. I just have to get through it so I can go on to the next one.

Short but sweet (actually, kind of bitter).

Kitty Play

Since I haven't gotten a picture of the kitties playing in the bathroom, I had to draw one to show what they do. Now imagine one of them makes the first pouncing move and then they race all over the apartment for the next few minutes. Hilarious.

Long Time No Blog

I'm home sick from school today. It's either a stomach flu or a bad reaction to a new prescription, but either way I can't make it through classes--especially Anatomy lab...that smell makes you want to barf when you don't feel sick. I feel like I've been sick a lot more frequently since starting vet school than ever before. It must be the additional stress and this is how my body reacts to it.

On the bright side, since I'm home bundled up on the couch I get to watch the kitties play. By Monday Mogget had decided that maybe it was ok to have another cat in the house, and now they play all the time and it's really fun to watch. My favorite part is the butt wiggle right before one of them pounces on the other. Now if we can just get their ear problems and Sebastian's respiratory problems cleared up we'll be golden.

Spring Break is two weeks away. If I can make it through three exams in three days I'll get to fly to Sunny Seattle (ha) and stay with K's sister for a few days. I may not want to come back, though. This semester doesn't really have any bright points. It's a lot of stress, a lot of exams, and no classes that I really enjoy going to. Oh well, we're nearly halfway through it at least.

That's about all I have to report. Since I study all the time I don't do anything interesting or exciting.

Life's a Beach

We're all adjusting to Sabriel being gone. I think Mogget's having the hardest time of it. She's never been a vocal cat and now she meows frequently. We've been playing with her more trying to wear her out, but the fact is we're just going to have to get another cat. We want to adopt again, but the truth is we're leery of getting another cat from the Ames shelter--and believe me, I know it's unlikely this would happen again. Still, the fear is there. Plus, I'm not quite ready to get another cat yet. I'm thinking maybe over Spring Break we can start looking for a new one.

Speaking of Spring Break, we really have an insane test schedule up until that point. We have Neuro Monday, Immunology Friday, Path the following Wednesday, Anatomy the following Friday, then right after that Neuro Monday and Histo Tuesday. Those last three days before Spring Break I don't think anyone's going to be paying attention. Then I get to go to Seattle for a few days. I'm excited about that. :)

We should get the urn we ordered for Sabriel soon, and we got some cute cubby shelves from Target for that and other knick-knacks to go on. I want to remember her but not, as K said, build a shrine to her. I am glad we took such a ridiculous number of pictures of her for the time we had her. KP and I have been trying to pick out one to blow up for a frame, and we're down to 6 and can't decide. The pictures were fun to go through, and helped us remember the fun we had with her growing up; not just the last couple weeks where she was fading.

Anyway, I think A is at the doctor and J is still sleeping, but I at least need to start studying Neuro so I can feel like I have accomplished something today.

It takes time

I've been reading about stages of grief and found something I thought was pretty well-written:

"Grieving used to be much more ritualistic than it is today. In generations past there were set periods of time when certain customs must be observed. Today we are unfettered by these restrictions and might even be confused about when we should be done grieving. Actually, we'll probably never be done. We'll never forget the person we grieve for. Our feelings may be tempered more with good memories than sadness as time passes, but that isn't to say that waves of raw emotion won't overcome us way after we think we should be done. I think the trick here is to understand that the feelings will occur, try to keep them in perspective, try to understand why you feel a certain way, and if there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain, forgive yourself and others and if necessary talk with someone about it. There is no completion date to grieving...let your emotions flow through the stages of grief."

In my case I am grieving for an animal rather than a human, but as I've said, I consider pets to be family members. The pain I have experienced at Sabriel's loss proves to me that is absolutely true.

I woke up this morning and for a moment thought it was Sabriel snuggled up with us rather than Mogget. Not that I don't love Mogget--because this would have been just as painful if it was she that was gone--but I really miss Sabriel. I can't believe she's not just around the corner waiting to jump in my lap to snuggle.

I know it's going to take time for the pain to become less intense. At this point I would settle for the moment of her death to stop its repeat cycle in my mind's eye. It is simply unbearable, and impossible to forgive myself for what I know was necessary when I can't stop thinking about it.

It's Over

I was right. That was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. We got there and wanted to cuddle her but she just wanted to wander around the room because, like I said, today wasn't a bad day. So we sat there sniffling and cuddling her short amounts of time before letting her explore some more. Eventually R came to take her back and put the catheter in her front leg, and then they brought her back in. When I said I wanted to be in the room, I thought I'd just be there. Instead, R took a blanket and put it in my arms, then laid Sabriel in them. She was kind of grumpy and wanted to get away as I sat there cuddling her, and then when I said we didn't need more time R stuck the needle in the catheter and started to inject the drug. Sabriel didn't like it and tried to nose the syringe away. That was when I lost it. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and then she just went limp in my arms and it was over. KP was crying, too, and it's only the second time he's cried in the 3 1/2 years we've been together. I think that says something about how much we loved Sabriel. I've carried my share of euthanized animals out of an exam room, but it in no way compares to when it's your baby that you lay on the table.

We're getting her ashes back and a clay paw print. Of all the animals I will own in my lifetime, Sabriel is probably the one I will mourn the most because she was so young and didn't have a chance no matter what we were willing to do for her.

Mood: drained

And in the end, it wasn't enough

I just took this picture. It's about an hour before we have to leave for the clinic to put you to sleep. You have no idea.

I remember the day we found you at the shelter. It was August first, and I was set on getting a kitty before school started. And there you were, so tiny and adorable and weak, but we were going to make you better because we would take care of you and give you the best life for a long time. It turns out we only got six months because you have something we couldn't fix, and I wish I would have made sure to make the most of the time we had.

I'm sorry for all those times I irritably pushed you off of my lap or shoulder because I was trying to study and you were in the way. I would have held you more than you wanted had I known.

I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to take your temperature one last time because if it was one of the times of day where it was close to normal it would be so much harder for me to take you in and let you go.

I'm sorry that this afternoon doesn't happen to be one of the bad ones where you obviously feel terrible. And I'm sorry I wish it was so it would be easier for me.

I'm sorry when we got Moggie we didn't give you as much attention because we had a new baby to play with.

I'm sorry you have to die this way, because for whatever reason there's still no way to cure this disease.

You are the sweetest, most gentle kitty I will probably ever get the chance to meet. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, topping the list over something I thought was untoppable. You took a piece of my heart the day we found you and you have it still. I hope that someday in the future I will find a kitty that has your same gentle spirit, and maybe I will get that piece back. I love you.
















Mood: broken

I think this is the end

I think we will be bringing Sabriel to the vet tomorrow to put her to sleep. It's been less than a week since we started her on the drugs to help control things. The problem is that unless we give fluids every night they don't keep her temp down. Last night KP and I tried giving fluids at two different times and she just struggled so much we gave up. I can't seem to teach him how to hold her well enough to get things done. This afternoon her temp was up to 105.6. I don't think I can keep doing this to her. I can't rely on K to come over and help every day to give fluids, and if we don't do it her temp shoots up and she feels like shit.

What makes this so hard is that she's not on a steady decline. She'll have a good day and then one like this. It makes it difficult to make the decision that it's time to let her go. KP doesn't want to give up on her yet, but it's getting too hard for me. I worry every day that her temp is going to spike, and I feel terrible when she gets so stressed when we give her fluids. It's like she's done. Another factor I can't ignore is that I'm not studying the way I need to because I'm spending so much time on Sabriel. I already bombed one exam and don't want to continue the pattern. I feel terrible saying it but it's true.

I think I'm going to feel guilty no matter what I do. K said she felt relieved when she put her cat to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel that, too. It's just a shitty situation that we got a gentle, loving kitty that ended up having this disease. There's nothing we can do to change it and I think we've done all we can to prolong her life.

Then there's the problem of how long we wait to get another cat. I don't think Mogget's a good cat to have in a single cat household, but it's like when someone's spouse dies. How long do you wait to start dating again?

I'm going to call the vet in the morning to explain everything and make sure there's nothing else we can try--which I'm pretty sure there isn't--and probably make an appointment to bring her in at the end of the day. I wish I could get KP to agree with me that it's time. I don't want this to be only my decision.

Mood: sad

//edit: And now her temp is down to 102.3. See what I mean about not knowing when to let go?

//edit: Well, K came over and we got fluids in her in one try. It was much less stressful and afterwards she was starving for dinner. I'm going to talk to the vet in the morning still. But I'm also going to wait and see if her temp doesn't fluctuate as much tomorrow. K says she doesn't mind giving fluids every day--thank goodness--but if she's going to help us that much I insist on paying her for her help. We'll see how it goes.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

I'm sitting in what is quite possibly the worst lecture ever. It's not that Dr. Vaclav Ourednik is a particularly bad speaker aside from occasionally struggling to understand him. I don't even care that he changed his powerpoint lecture between yesterday and today so I was frantically scrolling trying to figure out where the hell these notes were. It doesn't matter because I'm not paying attention! It's Friday. My cat has FIP and it's been a rollercoaster trying to figure out how to keep her stabilized (still not sure we've done it, although her temp was 102.8 this morning which is the lowest it's been in two weeks). We have an Anatomy test at 2 o'clock and I would say I"m marginally prepared due to the previous sentence. It's just been a rough week.

I would say I want a drink but I don't even crave alcohol anymore like I often did in undergrad. I suppose I shouldn't complain about that considering alcohol is bad for you. I just want to take this test and hopefully pass, curl up on the couch and watch House with Sabriel in my lap and KP next to me and not worry about anything for an hour.

Mood: tired

You Don't Understand

This has to be fast because I need to shower before class. I just wanted to vent a little about how people think a pet should be put to sleep the second they find out it has a terminal illness. Guess what: life is terminal. I'm one of the growing number of people who look at pets as a member of the family, and if you found out a family member had terminal cancer but could have two or three good, happy months left you wouldn't deny them that.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that Sabriel isn't going to be around when I have kids and live to be an old, grumpy cat. To me that makes the time we have left with her even more precious. I think if you asked most small animal vets how they felt they would voice irritation that people choose to euthanize when their pet could still have a good quality of life just because it's easier for them (money-wise, time-wise, and emotionally). My sister and probably my parents--although I haven't talked to them yet--thinks it would be better to euthanize and that I need to look at it from "an outside perspective". I don't understand. Why would it be better for me to look at this unemotionally? I don't think there's anything wrong with allowing your feelings to help you make a decision as long as it's not a selfish one. If the drug combo doesn't bring down her fever and give her a better appetite, she won't have an improved quality of life and we'll have to put her to sleep. But we have to give her the chance.

Mood: dealing

Sabriel has FIP

That's all. She'll be on prednisone until she gets sick enough that we decide to put her to sleep.

Mood: heartbroken

Sabriel the Sick Update

I'm pretty sure that at least for now A and KP are the only people who read this. It's okay, though. I like have a private journal that my best friends can read.

In the past week we've spend $550 on Sabriel. She's had a FUO (fever of unknown origin) and not much of an appetite, lethargy, etc etc. The bloodwork we redid today showed that her WBCs and specifically neutrophils have dropped a tiny amount but nothing significant. Combine that with the fever that's staying around 104 and to me that means the Baytril isn't really working. My vet, ever optimistic, is having me continue the Baytril as well as getting back on Clavamox. We're also putting her on Lactulose every 8 hours to try to get her to poop since she hasn't done a whole lot for the last four days or so. We've already been giving her fluids but we now have to give even more because the Lactulose draws water into the colon.

So, in the morning we'll give Clavamox and Lactulose. At noon we'll give Baytril. In the afternoon we give more Lactulose. In the evening we'll give Clavamox again and at least 100 mls of fluids. In late evening we'll give another dose of Lactulose. Holy crap...this is going to suck.

The worst part is we're spending all this money and time trying to help her feel better, and in a week we'll get the results of the feline panel back from Antech. It tests for FIP, toxoplasmosis and a couple other things I can't remember. The "FIP specific" test doesn't actually definitively tell you if a cat has FIP or not, so if the titer comes back positive we're going to have to have a talk about what that actually means. She said that Antech says it's specific so it must be specific, but I just found an article by a board-certified internist who talks about why it isn't. Either way, if she really has FIP we pretty much just treat symptoms as they come and keep her comfortable as long as possible. I don't know as much about toxoplasmosis, but although she has the basic symptoms (fever, lethargy, some weight loss) she hasn't exhibitied eye or neurological problems.

I hate having her not feel well. I haven't been doing a whole lot of studying for school lately because all I do is worry about her, and I have an Anatomy test next Friday. I guess there's nothing more I can do for Sabriel in the meantime so I may as well start studying. I foresee a bad grade though if we get bad news from the panel because we'll be getting it a day or two before the test. :( I'm just going to keep crossing my fingers.

A Pros And Cons List

Positives:
-Sabriel is FeLV negative
-Her temp was under 104 last I checked
-She ate a little a/d, a couple bits of chicken, and some tuna
-We got fluids in her and she's urinating
-She's on Baytril and hopefully it will work
-She seems a little more lively today

Negatives:
-She's still constipated and really needs to poop within the next day
-She's on Baytril, which is bad for young animals and won't even work if it's not a bacterial infection
-She hasn't been interested in drinking
-If it's not a bacterial infection we're screwed
-Last I checked Bush was still president and was in fact giving the State of the Union address and pretending he likes Nancy Pelosi

I just threw that last one in to keep you on your toes. We'll know in the next few days if Sabriel's getting any better. $360 in the hole and counting but it's worth it. Keep your fingers crossed.

Mood: cautiously optimistic
Music: Bush's sonorous voice

It's not easy being green

Sabriel seemed to be feeling a little better yesterday and her temp was down to 103.5, but she was having a lot of yellow/green snot coming out of her nose--yet another symptom, and one that has nothing to do with the suspected UTI. This morning her temp was back up to 104.8 so back to the clinic she goes. At least she's had an appetite throughout. My biggest fear is that when she was tested for FIV/FELV at the shelter when she was a baby they did it wrong or it hadn't shown up yet. It would break my heart. Logically I know how unlikely this is but I still worry. I want them to figure out what's wrong with her and get it fixed. I wish I knew enough to do it.

Mood: worried

It's true what they say about you

I just spent a few wonderful minutes reading the blog of a British woman who is only two years older than I am. British English is so much better than our watered-down lazeified version (not that I'm saying we should still be speaking British English, because that would mean the Revolution--probably would have been called insurgency in GB if it happened today--failed, and we would most likely be speaking German today anyway). That is what I'm convinced our English is, especially southern English. It's just plain lazy. "Y'all" rather than "you all" is a prime example. I'd much rather be saying bloody and blimey and calling people prats. American English needs to get with the program and become more fun to use.

Anyway, on to the point of this post. I've always heard that vet clinics in Ames are bad. Considering that's where a College of Veterinary Medicine is located it would surprise me if the local vets were bad unless good vets moved elsewhere to avoid competition. Either way I've always been pleased with the clinic we take the kittens to. It's a little pricey (a lot pricey considering when I worked in clinics I got products at cost) but nothing KP and I can't handle, and it's worth it to have a vet we like and trust until I can treat them myself. I swear, I will graduate someday.

I found out this morning that the rumor must be based not on the vets but on the staff.

Yesterday Sabriel started acting screwy, lying by herself and suddenly growling at nothing. She was even doing this when sitting in my lap, and abdominal palpation revealed nothing because a) I've only begun learning what to look for and b) she tensed up so much I could barely feel anything through her muscle wall. But she started licking her vulva a lot so I had KP hold her under the bathroom light and I looked and sure enough there was a goodly amount of yellow discharge there. I haven't learned enough about anything to know what was going on with her except to know that it wasn't good and I didn't think she had a urinary tract infection. But again, what do I know, I've just started out.

The clinic opened at 8 this morning so I called and explained the situation. Whatever receptionist or assistant or tech I was speaking with said sorry but they were booked and would I like an appointment on Monday. I said no, and I'd be happy to just drop her off so they can look at her between clients since I think she probably just needs antibiotics. Then this woman said I could always go to Iowa State (yeah, their teaching hospital hours are M-F; I don't want to know what I'd be paying in emergency fees just to get an infection looked at) so I said I know because I'm a student there but you guys are my clinic. Finally she just got my name and phone number and said she'd talk to the vets when they came in.

I waited until 9:30 and hadn't gotten a call back so I phoned again. I was told they'd had a couple emergencies come in but I could bring Sabriel in and drop her off and they'd look at her later. Now, I've been in that situation myself and I know how crappy it is, so I felt rather contrite and meekly said I'd be on my way. I dropped her off as soon as I got off the phone, and it is now noon and I haven't gotten a call about her. I don't know what type of emergency they had so I don't want to jump down anyone's throat, but they close at one on Saturdays. I definitely don't want to pay for boarding until Monday just because they didn't have time to look at her.

I don't know how this is going to end; most likely, it will be expensively. I do know that when I work as a vet in a clinic, I will make sure the staff doesn't try to turn away clients that feel like they have an urgent need just because the appointment book is full.


//edit: We picked her up when the clinic closed at one and they sent us home with Clavamox (I did at least call that one) and said they couldn't get a urine sample and want to try again on Monday. The second we walked in the door she climbed into her litter box and evacuated what they had been trying to collect for three hours. Cats...you either love their style or hate it. The surprise was that she had a temperature over 104 (normal is around 100-102) so didn't I feel like an ass for not having taken her temp at home. We have tickets to go to the Turtle Island String Quartet tonight and they're front row and I really want to go, but now I feel like we should stay home and keep an eye on Sabriel. We'll see. If we don't go it's not a huge loss monetarily because student tickets are cheap and we got a 15% discount on top of that. I'll probably console myself by buying a CD though.

Oh you gotta have faith!

This article is an SI link off of CNN's front page:

Vet accused of injecting horses with vodka pre-race

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) -- A veterinarian will be in court next week to face accusations he injected horses with vodka to calm their nerves before races at Fonner Park in Grand Island.

Jay Stewart faces four misdemeanor counts of attempting to influence a race by tampering with a horse. His trial starts Wednesday in Hall County.

In a story first reported by the Omaha World-Herald, Stewart denied any wrongdoing. He didn't immediately return a message from The Associated Press seeking comment. A person who answered the phone at his Grand Island clinic said Stewart was in surgery Friday morning.

Stewart is alleged to have administered vodka to horses in 2005 -- before the fourth race Feb. 20, the sixth race Feb. 27, the fifth race March 11 and the ninth race April 9.

Want to know what the worst part about this is??

Check out the name of the president of the Nebraska Veterinary Medical Association. Yep, same guy...

I'm so proud this happened in my home state and made national news. Little bits of information like this add up and degrade people's faith in our profession, so if these alleged events really happened I want to give a big shout-out to Dr. Stewart and say THANKS.


Mood: irritated
Music: Dr. Booth's lecture

Future Vets R Us

You wouldn't believe how hard it was to come up with a URL that at least sounded like what I wanted it to say. That's what you get when you arrive late to the party.

So. I'm a first year vet student leaning toward small animal practice, but I'm going to school in Ames, IA which means there's a fairly high percentage of large animal kids. There is a distinct difference in thoughts on the role of animals in those two groups. It especially comes out in our ethics class discussing animal welfare.


For example, veal calves. This is an incendiary issue to say the least. If you check out this pic, that poor baby with his doe eyes is in a small crate so he cannot move around, and his neck is chained to keep him in place. Allow me to flat-out state that I am completely against veal production. These animals have to be kept still to inhibit muscle development and are also kept anemic to aid in keeping the meat oh so tender. From a welfare perspective, they are not living a "natural" life, they are under mental duress, and their physical condition is also compromised. The problem is, these are generally the male calves of dairy cattle, which have to keep producing offspring to produce milk. As an avid milk-drinker, I can't advocate cutting production of these little guys--not because I would have less milk to drink, but because it would kill an industry. There are plenty of welfare issues in the dairy industry as well, but we're not getting into that. I'm not educated enough in the cattle industry to know for sure, but I don't think there are a lot of other options for these guys. So I'm against veal production but I can't offer a realistic solution that wouldn't have spreading consequences, and a good portion of the class eats veal and sees no problem at all (some of them have even raised the buggers).

The more I learn, the less I understand. And somehow we're supposed to be the people to explain animal welfare to others?

To end on a lighter note, I made my friend K laugh yesterday in Anatomy lab when we were working on our goat Snowball. I looked at him and said "If reincarnation does exist, some people deserve to come back as Anatomy goats." And it's true. If you screwed up your life as a person and came back as a goat that would be disappointment enough, but to then end up living for only a year or two before being euthanized and preserved so people can tear you apart would just suck. I'm not naming names, but you people know who you are.

Happy Friday, people.


Mood: confused
Music: Superhero - Stephen Lynch