Kitty Play

Since I haven't gotten a picture of the kitties playing in the bathroom, I had to draw one to show what they do. Now imagine one of them makes the first pouncing move and then they race all over the apartment for the next few minutes. Hilarious.

Long Time No Blog

I'm home sick from school today. It's either a stomach flu or a bad reaction to a new prescription, but either way I can't make it through classes--especially Anatomy lab...that smell makes you want to barf when you don't feel sick. I feel like I've been sick a lot more frequently since starting vet school than ever before. It must be the additional stress and this is how my body reacts to it.

On the bright side, since I'm home bundled up on the couch I get to watch the kitties play. By Monday Mogget had decided that maybe it was ok to have another cat in the house, and now they play all the time and it's really fun to watch. My favorite part is the butt wiggle right before one of them pounces on the other. Now if we can just get their ear problems and Sebastian's respiratory problems cleared up we'll be golden.

Spring Break is two weeks away. If I can make it through three exams in three days I'll get to fly to Sunny Seattle (ha) and stay with K's sister for a few days. I may not want to come back, though. This semester doesn't really have any bright points. It's a lot of stress, a lot of exams, and no classes that I really enjoy going to. Oh well, we're nearly halfway through it at least.

That's about all I have to report. Since I study all the time I don't do anything interesting or exciting.

Life's a Beach

We're all adjusting to Sabriel being gone. I think Mogget's having the hardest time of it. She's never been a vocal cat and now she meows frequently. We've been playing with her more trying to wear her out, but the fact is we're just going to have to get another cat. We want to adopt again, but the truth is we're leery of getting another cat from the Ames shelter--and believe me, I know it's unlikely this would happen again. Still, the fear is there. Plus, I'm not quite ready to get another cat yet. I'm thinking maybe over Spring Break we can start looking for a new one.

Speaking of Spring Break, we really have an insane test schedule up until that point. We have Neuro Monday, Immunology Friday, Path the following Wednesday, Anatomy the following Friday, then right after that Neuro Monday and Histo Tuesday. Those last three days before Spring Break I don't think anyone's going to be paying attention. Then I get to go to Seattle for a few days. I'm excited about that. :)

We should get the urn we ordered for Sabriel soon, and we got some cute cubby shelves from Target for that and other knick-knacks to go on. I want to remember her but not, as K said, build a shrine to her. I am glad we took such a ridiculous number of pictures of her for the time we had her. KP and I have been trying to pick out one to blow up for a frame, and we're down to 6 and can't decide. The pictures were fun to go through, and helped us remember the fun we had with her growing up; not just the last couple weeks where she was fading.

Anyway, I think A is at the doctor and J is still sleeping, but I at least need to start studying Neuro so I can feel like I have accomplished something today.

It takes time

I've been reading about stages of grief and found something I thought was pretty well-written:

"Grieving used to be much more ritualistic than it is today. In generations past there were set periods of time when certain customs must be observed. Today we are unfettered by these restrictions and might even be confused about when we should be done grieving. Actually, we'll probably never be done. We'll never forget the person we grieve for. Our feelings may be tempered more with good memories than sadness as time passes, but that isn't to say that waves of raw emotion won't overcome us way after we think we should be done. I think the trick here is to understand that the feelings will occur, try to keep them in perspective, try to understand why you feel a certain way, and if there are any unresolved issues that cause particular emotional pain, forgive yourself and others and if necessary talk with someone about it. There is no completion date to grieving...let your emotions flow through the stages of grief."

In my case I am grieving for an animal rather than a human, but as I've said, I consider pets to be family members. The pain I have experienced at Sabriel's loss proves to me that is absolutely true.

I woke up this morning and for a moment thought it was Sabriel snuggled up with us rather than Mogget. Not that I don't love Mogget--because this would have been just as painful if it was she that was gone--but I really miss Sabriel. I can't believe she's not just around the corner waiting to jump in my lap to snuggle.

I know it's going to take time for the pain to become less intense. At this point I would settle for the moment of her death to stop its repeat cycle in my mind's eye. It is simply unbearable, and impossible to forgive myself for what I know was necessary when I can't stop thinking about it.

It's Over

I was right. That was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done. We got there and wanted to cuddle her but she just wanted to wander around the room because, like I said, today wasn't a bad day. So we sat there sniffling and cuddling her short amounts of time before letting her explore some more. Eventually R came to take her back and put the catheter in her front leg, and then they brought her back in. When I said I wanted to be in the room, I thought I'd just be there. Instead, R took a blanket and put it in my arms, then laid Sabriel in them. She was kind of grumpy and wanted to get away as I sat there cuddling her, and then when I said we didn't need more time R stuck the needle in the catheter and started to inject the drug. Sabriel didn't like it and tried to nose the syringe away. That was when I lost it. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," and then she just went limp in my arms and it was over. KP was crying, too, and it's only the second time he's cried in the 3 1/2 years we've been together. I think that says something about how much we loved Sabriel. I've carried my share of euthanized animals out of an exam room, but it in no way compares to when it's your baby that you lay on the table.

We're getting her ashes back and a clay paw print. Of all the animals I will own in my lifetime, Sabriel is probably the one I will mourn the most because she was so young and didn't have a chance no matter what we were willing to do for her.

Mood: drained

And in the end, it wasn't enough

I just took this picture. It's about an hour before we have to leave for the clinic to put you to sleep. You have no idea.

I remember the day we found you at the shelter. It was August first, and I was set on getting a kitty before school started. And there you were, so tiny and adorable and weak, but we were going to make you better because we would take care of you and give you the best life for a long time. It turns out we only got six months because you have something we couldn't fix, and I wish I would have made sure to make the most of the time we had.

I'm sorry for all those times I irritably pushed you off of my lap or shoulder because I was trying to study and you were in the way. I would have held you more than you wanted had I known.

I'm sorry I'm too much of a coward to take your temperature one last time because if it was one of the times of day where it was close to normal it would be so much harder for me to take you in and let you go.

I'm sorry that this afternoon doesn't happen to be one of the bad ones where you obviously feel terrible. And I'm sorry I wish it was so it would be easier for me.

I'm sorry when we got Moggie we didn't give you as much attention because we had a new baby to play with.

I'm sorry you have to die this way, because for whatever reason there's still no way to cure this disease.

You are the sweetest, most gentle kitty I will probably ever get the chance to meet. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, topping the list over something I thought was untoppable. You took a piece of my heart the day we found you and you have it still. I hope that someday in the future I will find a kitty that has your same gentle spirit, and maybe I will get that piece back. I love you.
















Mood: broken

I think this is the end

I think we will be bringing Sabriel to the vet tomorrow to put her to sleep. It's been less than a week since we started her on the drugs to help control things. The problem is that unless we give fluids every night they don't keep her temp down. Last night KP and I tried giving fluids at two different times and she just struggled so much we gave up. I can't seem to teach him how to hold her well enough to get things done. This afternoon her temp was up to 105.6. I don't think I can keep doing this to her. I can't rely on K to come over and help every day to give fluids, and if we don't do it her temp shoots up and she feels like shit.

What makes this so hard is that she's not on a steady decline. She'll have a good day and then one like this. It makes it difficult to make the decision that it's time to let her go. KP doesn't want to give up on her yet, but it's getting too hard for me. I worry every day that her temp is going to spike, and I feel terrible when she gets so stressed when we give her fluids. It's like she's done. Another factor I can't ignore is that I'm not studying the way I need to because I'm spending so much time on Sabriel. I already bombed one exam and don't want to continue the pattern. I feel terrible saying it but it's true.

I think I'm going to feel guilty no matter what I do. K said she felt relieved when she put her cat to sleep. I'm sure I'll feel that, too. It's just a shitty situation that we got a gentle, loving kitty that ended up having this disease. There's nothing we can do to change it and I think we've done all we can to prolong her life.

Then there's the problem of how long we wait to get another cat. I don't think Mogget's a good cat to have in a single cat household, but it's like when someone's spouse dies. How long do you wait to start dating again?

I'm going to call the vet in the morning to explain everything and make sure there's nothing else we can try--which I'm pretty sure there isn't--and probably make an appointment to bring her in at the end of the day. I wish I could get KP to agree with me that it's time. I don't want this to be only my decision.

Mood: sad

//edit: And now her temp is down to 102.3. See what I mean about not knowing when to let go?

//edit: Well, K came over and we got fluids in her in one try. It was much less stressful and afterwards she was starving for dinner. I'm going to talk to the vet in the morning still. But I'm also going to wait and see if her temp doesn't fluctuate as much tomorrow. K says she doesn't mind giving fluids every day--thank goodness--but if she's going to help us that much I insist on paying her for her help. We'll see how it goes.

Everybody's Working for the Weekend

I'm sitting in what is quite possibly the worst lecture ever. It's not that Dr. Vaclav Ourednik is a particularly bad speaker aside from occasionally struggling to understand him. I don't even care that he changed his powerpoint lecture between yesterday and today so I was frantically scrolling trying to figure out where the hell these notes were. It doesn't matter because I'm not paying attention! It's Friday. My cat has FIP and it's been a rollercoaster trying to figure out how to keep her stabilized (still not sure we've done it, although her temp was 102.8 this morning which is the lowest it's been in two weeks). We have an Anatomy test at 2 o'clock and I would say I"m marginally prepared due to the previous sentence. It's just been a rough week.

I would say I want a drink but I don't even crave alcohol anymore like I often did in undergrad. I suppose I shouldn't complain about that considering alcohol is bad for you. I just want to take this test and hopefully pass, curl up on the couch and watch House with Sabriel in my lap and KP next to me and not worry about anything for an hour.

Mood: tired